Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
