My sheets look like a crime scene.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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