Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The uberlube is also flammable
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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