do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
