so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
