I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
