At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
