i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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