Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
