There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
