I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
