based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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