I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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