Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
