got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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