i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
