I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
We smell like vodka and hangover
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