My liver just broke up with me...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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