I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
