If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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