You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
