Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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