My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
