i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
