i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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