Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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