I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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