I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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