I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
