booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
