I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
