Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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