some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
