Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
