Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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