My friends, they love my intelligence
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
