my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
