I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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