I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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