??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize