Cold hands, warm shart.
You smell like stripper and shame
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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