genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
birth control should be required to get into college
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
