There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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