At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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