I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
