She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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