we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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