Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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