I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
