Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
