I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
