its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
And then he peed in my hair
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