remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
