Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
