Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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