Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
