I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
