I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
