Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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