last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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